Wine s*** you should know

**George Jung** · December 27th, 2007, 12:37 AM

so you dont act a fool

Opening the bottle and first taste:
The bottle will tell you a lot about the wine. First- the label. Read it, you're literate (I think).
If you aren't literate, fret not infant. Back in the day, most people weren't literate and the wine was in deep dark cellars with no lighting. This is why bottles are laid out in racks, with the labels upside down! A bottle with steep "shoulders" indicates a very dark, rich wine- usually red. There will be more "stuff" at the bottom from the grapes.
A bottle with sleek shoulders, since it doesn't need to sort of filter out the "stuff" will have a more slender, gradual change from the bottom to the neck.

There are many ways to open the bottle. None are really wrong unless you spill some (unless its some sort of champagne, which i wont discuss here). I just learned this and it's my personal favorite. Cut around the cork, but not all the way around. then cut a hole for the cork and pull the cork. Then "peel" the cork wrap off. Bam- cork holder. Should be a real panty dropper- I mean crowd pleaser. Just make sure the metal wrapper doesn't touch the wine. Apparently, something bad happens here. Yeah, I dont know exactly what, but when that b**** ate an apple, we ended up with child support payments.

Generally, you want a red wine with something like beef and a lighter white wine with something like chicken. Although, there is certainly no hard fast rule. To me though, a red wine really compliments a good steak and the same for chicken and white wine. Almost always- keep the desert wine for desert and cooking wine for cooking. Generally, a lighter wine and a lighter food go together. For example, plain chicken and a lighter white wine and vs. a chicken dish with Alfredo sauce and a heavier white wine.

It should be served around 55-65 degrees. People try to equate a different specific temp for darker reds, lighter reds, whites etc- but they are yuppies imo. no one is going to notice +/- 5 degrees, especially since it will be sitting for a few moments.

Once you (or the waiter) pop the cork, examine it. Dont smell it unless you want to look like an idiot. You should feel the cork- the end that was in the wine should be soft and expanded. The other end should be hard as a rock. This means the cork expanded and sealed. If both ends are hard, the cork didn't expand and seal. Also look for the saturation. A newer wine wont saturate deep into the cork. The one in the picture saturated too far the cork had a defect (the case here, the cork was cut deep in the middle and kinda hallow for some reason). Fortunately, i'm half in the bag and can't really tell right now.

If you're buying wine, make sure the cork doesn't stick out past the top of the bottle.

First taste. Do the swirling thing. It's easier if you set it down on the table. this airaits the wine and gives your nose a chance to smell the wine. Is it everything you hoped for an more? Who really cares. Taste is really just for temp and whatnot. Unless something is really wrong, you should be able to smell a flat, moldy, mushroomy smell. if not, it's probably fine.

Pouring: Big glass, little glass- it's all the same. they all hold the same amount- 3-4oz. bigger glasses let you swirl more and airate it more. they dont hold more. You only pour until the "fat" of the glass. I'm not even sure i'm using a wine glass. I'm pretty s*** faced. I've downed a bottle since I started this damn post.

Pour for ladies first, clockwise, then men (clockwise again). You may pour for a guest of honor before all others. Dock tip from a waiter who doesn't follow this rule. Dock yourself 5 cool points.

Drinking: It's not beer, this isn't college, there is no funnel. Also, hold it by the STEM, not the glass. If it warms up, it starts to go to s***. Hald it by the "bowl" if you need to warm it up (it was too cold).

Different kinds of wine:
Yeah, I haven't got that far. I'm still trying stuff out. It's largely a matter of person taste, or so the wino at the wine tasting class told me.

White wine will change color like a banana. Green to peachy to yellow to brown to black. A green tint is indicative and to be expected of a wine younger wine. Anything past the yellow-to-brown stage is probably too far.

Red wine is a bit different. A pink ring around the edge of where the wine meets the glass indicates immature wine. A red, or ruby if you will (ohh, you will) indicates a young red wine. the darker and closer to brown they get, the older they are. a cherry wood/mahagony is usually the peak of a red wine. full brown wine is very old, but possibly still okay. I cant afford s*** like that do I can't comment further.

older red wines tend to have more of a rich, smoother, buttery kinda taste. It's said, but I've heard otherwise, that white wine shouldn't be aged. I'm too drunk to give a s*** at this point.